Boundaries Part I

I have no doubt that all of us have heard the term “boundary” a time or two at some point in our lives. Maybe you’ve heard that they’re good and healthy, maybe not. Maybe you are trying to figure out what your boundaries are. Maybe you are slowly coming to the realization that holding your boundaries in real life is much easier said than done.

Wherever you are in the world of boundaries, let’s run quickly through some key takeaways.

Why Boundaries Matter

Boundaries do in fact promote safe, healthy relationships. They help keep people in, not out. For anyone finding that hard to believe, trust me on this one; we’ll get into it in just a bit.

Boundaries encourage autonomy and agency for each person in a relationship.

Boundaries build trust by creating reliability and predictability, thus promoting a secure environment for all.

Boundaries create equity within a relationship, preventing unhealthy or abusive power dynamics, thus leading to both partners feeling respected as equals.

But before we even get into all of that, a quick run-through on the types of boundaries in a relationship. You will find varying lists across the internet, but I feel these 6 core subjects encompass pretty much everything.

The 6 Types of Boundaries

Physical

We can decide what, if any, physical contact we are comfortable with at any given time.

Example: “No hugs for me, but I’m OK with a high five!”

Emotional

Protecting your need for privacy, or protecting yourself from taking on too much of the emotional needs of another person.

Example: Not divulging all the details of a recent argument you had with your partner to your co-worker.

Or, if it’s the co-worker making you uncomfortable because they keep sharing all the details of their struggles with their partner, saying something along the lines of,

“I’d rather not get into relationship details, but I’m sorry things are hard right now. Can I distract you with my latest crafting obsession?”

Intellectual/Spiritual

Protecting your thoughts, ideas, beliefs, and values. Giving space for two people to respectfully disagree and maintain their independent thoughts.

Example: Asserting your right to disagree when someone is insisting you take their stance on a subject. “I respect your right to believe what you believe, I ask the same in return. It’s OK for us to disagree.”

Sexual

Having ongoing conversations where you and your partner discuss comfort levels regarding sex and physical intimacy. It is also crucial both parties understand what it means to give and receive consent. When it comes to being in the moment, a freely given, sober-minded, enthusiastic yes to the specific act(s) in question in that moment is consent. Anything less than that IS A NO.

Example: “No, I’m not ready for us to start having sex, let’s take some more time getting to know each other better.”

Financial

Using your agency over how you approach your money.

Example: Only taking cash with you when you go shopping with your friend, so you only spend what you’ve allotted for the shopping trip. (Yes, boundaries can also be applied to yourself!)

Time

Being judicious with how you spend your time, and not overcommitting to responsibilities or obligations beyond your capacity or comfort levels.

Example: Saying goodbye to friends after the game, and bowing out of grabbing a drink afterwards, because you have an important meeting the next day and you know you want a good night’s sleep.

If I were to sum all of this up in one overarching concept:

Boundaries help us know where one person ends, and another person begins. We do this by exercising our agency, and thus making life decisions judiciously. Boundaries are meant to be discerning, and therefore can be flexible given the context at hand.

When it comes to my all-time favorite definition, no one defined boundaries better than Prentis Hemphill when they said:

Now, back to the first list of all the good stuff boundaries do for us. We can say boundaries create healthy relationships (good stuff item 1) because of good stuff items 2–4. When we feel safe and secure in expressing our thoughts and feelings, when we know we are free to make the right decision for ourselves even if it isn’t what our loved one would prefer, then we know we can show up as our authentic selves, which is the foundation for a safe relationship.

Any relationship where we don’t always feel safe, or don’t always have permission to truly be ourselves, is not built on mutual love and respect. And mutual means you deserve that love and respect too.

If you are reading this and are worried that a particular relationship might end if you were to start implementing boundaries, well then, my friend, that says everything you need to know about the level of mutual love and respect in the relationship. Implementing or improving boundaries is meant to strengthen, not jeopardize, a relationship.

If the relationship only works if you lack boundaries, that is a relationship built on consumption, and you deserve better than that. Friends are not friends if the friendship depends on how much someone can get out of you. That’s not mutual interest, that’s self-interest, and that’s not what we’re going for in healthy relationships.

Sacrifice vs. Lacking Boundaries

But Joanna, aren’t we supposed to be giving? Isn’t making sacrifices for someone we love a good thing?

Absolutely! We make sacrifices all the time in healthy relationships. We sacrifice hours and hours of sleep for our kids. We might give up an evening of rest to help watch our friend’s kids. We might choose to study for the big test instead of watching the big game. A sacrifice is a willful choice to put another person’s needs, or a particular goal, over our immediate wants and desires.

The key difference between making sacrifices and lacking boundaries is that a sacrifice is done willingly, without any feelings of obligation or denying our true feelings on the matter. If you’re looking for an easy way to discern the difference between the two, ask yourself: does this yes, feel like a yes? If you ever find yourself saying yes, when you want to say no, but feel as though you can’t for some reason, that is not a sacrifice, that’s a cue you need to set a boundary.

Relationships are a choice. We get to choose who we enter into relationships with, and to what level. This is why boundaries help keep people in; they are an invitation to stay, and the means by which we can make the relationship last.

When it comes to all the important aspects of boundaries, this is just the beginning. Come back next week for more insights on how to communicate boundaries in real time.

In Solidarity,