Stages of Competence

Hello! And let me introduce you to the Transtheoretical Model of Change’s cousin, the Stages of Competence.  (Yes I am aware that was a mouthful.  That was intentional.  I wanted to prep you because the names of the 4 stages are just as difficult, if not more difficult to say – sorry).

In case you were not aware, there is a whole underlying process that is happening as you are implementing a new skill into your life. A man by the name of Noel Burch, working at Gordon Training International back in the 1970s, gave us a working model to conceptualize the whole process.

Welcome to “The Stages of Competence”

Stage 1. Unconscious Incompetence

AKA you are lacking in a skill and unaware of this lack in skills

For the therapy setting, let’s use the example of pausing and taking a breath before speaking when you are feeling upset in some kind of way. Let’s say we’ve got a guy named Bob. Bob does not realize he does not take a breath and ground himself before responding when he is upset. Hypothetical Bob may have had a series of relationships that did not work out, where arguments escalate quickly. At this stage Bob is operating from a standpoint of “I’m just not dating the right person.” versus recognizing his own emotional reactivity and the role it plays in arguments escalating and trust eroding.

Stage 2. Conscious Incompetence

AKA – you are now aware of your lack in skill, but you are still lacking said skill.

Let’s say Bob is finally fed up with none of his relationships working out, and is starting to ask the question, “is there something I’m doing or not doing that’s leading to all these breakups?” And Bob decides he’s going to go to therapy and figure some things out. Way to go Bob!

While in therapy, through his conversations and various explorations with his therapist, Bob is now aware of his emotional reactivity, and that he does not know how to practice the skill of STOP (Slow down, Take a breath, Observe, Proceed with intention). His life story taught him the second there’s a disagreement, your partner has immediately become your enemy and it’s time to defend yourself via yelling, name calling, blaming, bringing up other issues that derail the conversation at hand, you know – all the tactics that do NOT lead to healthy conflict resolution. 

For the sake of this post, we’re gonna say Bob is ready and motivated to learn a new skill! Because of said motivation, Bob now has a sense of hope – he is aware of what has been going on all this time and is ready to move on to stage 3 – you rock Bob!

Stage 3 – Conscious Competence

Bob is currently not dating at the time, but he still has plenty of opportunities at work, and in life to practice slowing down before quickly escalating an argument. 

When driving to visit his sister and her family for dinner one evening, Bob gets caught in some unexpected traffic. Normally, he would quickly become irritated and become aggressive in his driving and start yelling, honking, and potentially getting into a shouting match with another driver. Instead, Bob was able to practice taking a moment to breathe, (Slow Down and Take A Breath) recognize this is out of his hands (Observe), called his sister letting her know he was running late, and then decided to tune into his favorite podcast as a way to pass the time (Proceed with intention). 

Disclaimer: Was doing this easy for Bob? No, not at all. At least not at first. Everything inside him was dying to scream and yell and let all his frustration out at the other drivers. And yet, he also had come to terms with the reality of his reactivity playing a role in keeping him stuck where he was in life, and he didn’t want to stay stuck, so he had to ask himself the important question of…

What are you willing to change, in order to get unstuck?  If you do not want things to change, then keep doing exactly what you’re doing. If you are not willing/ready to change a single thing in your life, then stuck you will stay. I know, change is hard, hence why Bob in this situation had to actively choose to do the opposite of what he would typically do, because staying calm and maintaining his demeanor was not what came naturally to him in that moment of Bob’s life.

So let’s all give a big hand to Bob, he could’ve kept doing what he’s been doing his whole life, and instead he chose to start practicing a new skill. Give yourself a pat on the back Bob, you made a change, fantastic job!

Stage 4: Unconscious Competence

It’s been a year now since Bob first started therapy and started working on his reactivity. Bob has come a long way, and Bob is back in the arena and has a date tonight, and he is very excited!

Are there still times when his impulses get the best of him and he explodes? Sure, but now when it happens, Bob is aware and recognizes that his emotional state does not give him permission to treat others poorly, and apologizes for his behavior when it happens. Plus, has Bob seen improvement over the past year? Absolutely! Small everyday things that used to get a rise out of Bob no longer affect him, and sometimes he doesn’t even notice that he didn’t explode, because taking a moment to pause and think about how to respond better is now what feels natural to him. The final stage of developing competence is when the new skill is so engrained and familiar, that you no longer have to actively think about it, and intentionally choose the new skill. The new and improved skill has now become your new autopilot.

Bob, we are all so very proud of the work you’ve done over the past year, we hope you’re proud too!

This is the blessing and the curse around habit formation that we all have to grapple with. Our brains notice when we do something over and over and over again, and the more we practice and repeat the action, the better we get at it – duh, I know. But the sucky aspect of this is it goes both ways. Our brains don’t automatically come with a filter and recognize which skills are helping us grow as human beings and which ones are holding us back. It’s why breaking a bad habit is so very hard, and it’s also why once you have developed a good habit, maintaining it gets easier and easier as time passes by. 

So will you change overnight? No…no you will not – sorry.

Are people capable of changing? Yes. 100%. If I didn’t believe people can show up to the world differently if they so desire, then I would be in the wrong field. 

Will reactivity forever remain an area of weakness for Bob? Probably yes – but Bob’s level of awareness and skills to grow in his level of responsiveness over reactivity can change, thus changing how Bob handles his reactivity, thus changing Bob.

So…if you are reading this and thinking about areas in which you feel stuck, what are you willing to change in order to get unstuck? Maybe it’ll include going to therapy, maybe not, but either way – whatever first popped into your head just now – start there, and see where the journey takes you.

Remember, you are worth the effort it takes to learn and grow, every day.

In Solidarity,